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| Death and leaves |
| 10.11.04 (7:44 pm) [edit] |
Today as I was walking to my exam, I was thinking about how beautiful autumn is. I love to wade through the leaves on 3rd St, and I love the beautiful colors. Then, it struck me--autumn is a celebration of the beauty and poetry of death.
This weekend at Camp Atterbury, I found out just how fucked up I really am. This Army stuff doesn't come easy to me, even though I've been working at it for THREE YEARS. For some people, it comes really easy, but for me, I just completely fucked it up. I couldn't give a good OPORD, I had no idea where the fuck we were supposed to go (was I supposed to be able to tell that there was a little path running through the fucking woods?), and then all of my squad except for two people ended up dead. The one person had no idea what to do, and the other came through and started killing everyone who was left alive. I was a NO GO. At this point, I'm not in good enough shape to go to camp according to LTC Scudder, I sure as hell wouldn't know what I'm doing once I get there, and my feet are ate-the-fuck-up. I have eight or nine blisters from my boots. I should be semi-good at this by now, but I don't think I'm good enough to be useful enough to the Army, and I'm a disgrace to those who actually are really good.
I'm really tired of doing all of the RA bullshit. I love my residents (they're a lot better than last year), but I can't handle all of the drama with other RAs, and a lot of the work that they give me to do is really stupid. How in the hell are these people supposed to know what works on my floor if they're making decisions without even having been on my floor?! I've got a pretty tight knit community, and they did it themselves, mostly without my help, and without all of the bullshit that they expect me to do in order to build what they think a community should look like. How in the fuck are you supposed to know what a community looks like if you are a fifty-something year-old guy who hasn't lived in a residence hall in about ten years (and even then he wasn't an actual resident)? One thing that I do know is that I surely won't be doing this again next year (if I can even make it through this year).
Classes are really tough...there's so much work, and I struggle just to get by.
Then of course there's Meg. She's as close to perfect as any girl I've ever met has been. I know I'm not good enough for her, and I feel like a phony--a fraud--and I know I just don't deserve anyone so perfect. I get to go visit her in three days, but I don't deserve to go there and leave my world here in shambles. I wish I had more time, more energy, more will to do everything that needs to be done, but the fact is that I just don't. I'm struggling just to get by.
Lastly, the most severe degradation in my life is that I've lost touch with God. It's been about four years since I've really felt connected, and being here at an extremely liberal university wears you down to the point where you feel ok just by knowing that He exists, if nothing else but to acknowledge His existence. I know that's not enough, because if you don't let Him into your life, there's nothing He can do about it. But I don't know where to start, and where I can find Him again.
Autumn is the most beautiful and poetic process of dying. Then comes the winter, where all is dead, and the beauty of everything bathed in white is astounding. Jesus showed us that death is just the step to the most wonderous life ever--everlasting life. If God be merciful, I would die tonight in my sleep, slipping into a place where I can really feel like I belong.
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