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| I have a headache |
| 04.30.04 (9:50 am) [edit] |
It seems that I've had a headache almost every day for the past two weeks. I don't think I've been getting enough sleep.
Today, I need to finish my paper. Well...I needed to finish it the day before that, and before that, the week before. I think I can get it done today, and send it to her this evening. I have to work at the desk from 12-2, but after that, I'll be able to finish it up.
I'm going to a wedding tomorrow. Not sure how I feel about it, but whatever. Whatever way it makes me feel, I'll be fine after Saturday night.
I can't wait to get out of this shit-ass town. My people are a microcosm within it, and they are the only thing that make it ok. Bloomington is too nice a place to be filled with all of the shitty people who aren't my friends, or those who have been excised as my friends. I wish there was a monkey testing facility around here, so that the crazy hippies could release rage on the city of Bloomington, like in 28 Days Later. Of course, my friends and I would be surviving... I really wouldn't mind having the city of Bloomington completely devoid of everyone I hate. Of course, I'll leave it up to the crazies to kill themselves off. Unfortunately, that won't happen anytime soon.
I must have an increased confidence level lately. Maybe it is due to my telling off a now ex-non-friend. Whatever it is, the laydays are smilin' and my jokes are funny...for the most part. Summers are my pimpin' time. Lets see if I can get my mack on, and do a better job than I did last summer. [edited for realized idiocy] I mean, some people are afraid of leaving what they have, because they have nothing to fall back on. People don't realize that that is a recipe for unhappiness. But whatever...buy yourself a friggin cookbook.
It looks like my $11.11/hour 40/week job will be pretty much guaranteed. I was the first application turned in, and I don't think they'd be so selective that they'd pass [i]me[/i] up. They could put me on third shift, which has the potential for being weird, because 3rd shift is something like 10 PM-6 AM. I'm young...I can handle that. Besides, I could get up in the "morning" at 8 PM and go running...have a good "breakfast" and go to work. Then, when I get home...my friends are still asleep... I'd have to sleep during the day. That would suck, but for $11.11/hour, I'd stand on my head.
When I go home next Saturday, I want to plant a pumpkin patch. We've got 7 acres (plenty of space for LOTS of pumpkins), so I could just rototill a big space and plant a bunch. Then, in the fall, we could sell a bunch of pumpkins...that would be good. Pumpkins get expensive, and there aren't too many independent producers. Maybe I can get my brother involved in this enterprise and he can share in the college $.
I'm going to try to disconnect my computer and Playstation2 by the time of my Tuesday exam, so I get some studying and packing done. If I don't, they'll be too much of a distraction. I'll try to get another update by then. 8)
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| I feel so... |
| 04.25.04 (7:42 pm) [edit] |
Sometimes
I wish I was brave
I wish I was stronger
I wish I could feel no pain
I wish I was young
I wish I was shy
I wish I was honest
I wish I was you not I
'Cause
I feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so callused
So lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over
Let's start over
Sometimes
I wish I was smart
I wish I made cures for
How people are
I wish I had power
I wish I could lead
I wish I could change the world
For you and me
[b]Let's start over[/b]
--"I feel so"--Box Car Racer
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| A moment of clarity |
| 04.25.04 (2:33 pm) [edit] |
My dad called a couple of days ago to tell me that United Tech in Huntington is adding a shift, and that I can apply to work there. THANK GOD! I can't stay in this town for a whole year...I need to go home to a place where I'm not surrounded on three sides by crazy hippies.
I guess then, it is ok that I may have lost a friend this weekend. Well...I probably didn't [i]lose [/i]a friend...I don't think we were friends to begin with. After all, real friends wouldn't use their friends in their freaky psychology experiments. Besides, my [i]real[/i] friends are great, and I don't need to change the way I am to find acceptance. I shouldn't expect anyone else to do that for me either.
It's almost done...it's almost done...
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| A conversation with an idiot |
| 04.24.04 (12:02 pm) [edit] |
The following conversation is between myself, and Carly, a friend of the subject of conversation, Sara.
avalancheangecic (11:23:24 AM): you suuuuuuuuuuuuck
avalancheangecic (11:23:27 AM): why are you here
avalancheangecic (11:23:30 AM): fucker
stephanjerabek (11:23:47 AM): ah...you must be Sara's friend
avalancheangecic (11:24:29 AM): you're a worthless piece of shit waste of life if you dont see the wonderful fucking amazing value of my sara
avalancheangecic (11:24:41 AM): so i really really dont like you right now
stephanjerabek (11:24:58 AM): she's great, but she's not for me
avalancheangecic (11:25:15 AM): so not for you means you'd be surprised she has friends?
avalancheangecic (11:25:35 AM): fucker. you're such a fuck. does that asshole arrogance get you excluded from a lot of things?
avalancheangecic (11:27:05 AM): cause yeah, btw, it should. you've got the most ridiculously horrendous vibes ive experienced in a while. damn, i dont get why some people dont see how much they suck. you're so fucking worried deciding how you feel on everyone that you forget to keep changing and making yourself a good person
stephanjerabek (11:27:39 AM): I don't have to change to make anyone happy
stephanjerabek (11:27:47 AM): I'm a good enough person for me
avalancheangecic (11:28:10 AM): yeah, the day when good enough gets old though...tha'ts the day most people mature. you missed the boat
stephanjerabek (11:28:21 AM): I think it's ironic how angry you are
avalancheangecic (11:28:59 AM): i loooooooove that
avalancheangecic (11:29:49 AM): see that's the beauty of it, i have the same amount of asshole stand-offish obnoxious judgmental qualities as you do
stephanjerabek (11:30:23 AM): yeah...I think you're right
avalancheangecic (11:30:25 AM): which is why i realize and hate your qualities. anyone who's a fuck about my sara though, especially if im in a bad fucking mood, i hate them
avalancheangecic (11:30:27 AM): and i hate you
stephanjerabek (11:30:39 AM): I think I like you
avalancheangecic (11:30:45 AM): fuck off
stephanjerabek (11:31:06 AM): ouch
stephanjerabek (11:31:19 AM): but I'm not the one who started the conversation
stephanjerabek (11:31:38 AM): I really like Sara
avalancheangecic (11:31:38 AM): THIS ISNT A CONVERSATION
stephanjerabek (11:31:51 AM): but she doesn't have time for me
stephanjerabek (11:32:21 AM): I'm sorry to have angered you, but you misunderstand me
avalancheangecic (11:32:22 AM): IM BITCHING YOU OUT CAUSE YOU'RE A FUCKING DISGRASE TO HUMANITY!
avalancheangecic (11:32:44 AM): sara doesnt have time for people who are worthless shits who have no warrant to live
avalancheangecic (11:32:54 AM): so i can understand why she doesnt like you and why she doesnt make time for you
avalancheangecic (11:33:29 AM): so yeah, do you find that you have any friends who actually care about you? do they suck?
stephanjerabek (11:33:44 AM): do you want me to get my friends involved too?
avalancheangecic (11:33:50 AM): cause you know...you *might* have potential deep down somewhere to not suck
avalancheangecic (11:34:21 AM): and sometimes when people realize they do in fact have shitty friends, that's the step one realization of 'wow, maybe i do suck'
avalancheangecic (11:34:37 AM): they should have 12 step programs for this human malfunction
stephanjerabek (11:37:01 AM): it would be full long before I got there
stephanjerabek (11:37:28 AM): where did you go?
stephanjerabek (11:37:35 AM): I was enjoying our conversation
avalancheangecic (11:38:45 AM): im going out, i wish you the best of luck in life and becoming a person who isnt as tretcherously, devastatingly horrible. there should be more people in the world that arent like you
avalancheangecic (11:38:49 AM): i wish you luck with that
stephanjerabek (11:39:06 AM): fuck you
stephanjerabek (11:39:15 AM): I hope you die a slow and painful death, bitch
avalancheangecic (11:39:45 AM): i appreciate that
avalancheangecic (11:39:58 AM): have a spectacular, and inspiring day, my nemesis!
stephanjerabek (11:40:23 AM): you as well, devil child
stephanjerabek (11:43:31 AM): I thought you were leaving
avalancheangecic (11:46:51 AM): i heaaaaaaaaaaart you
stephanjerabek (11:47:09 AM): what?
Auto response from avalancheangecic (11:47:09 AM): bring it on home to meeeee
Session concluded at 1:50:30 PM
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| Oh happy day! |
| 04.22.04 (7:31 am) [edit] |
Last Wednesday, I was freaking out because I was worried about passing the APFT. Well, one of the little fuckers on my floor pulled the fire alarm at 4 AM on that Thursday morning, and I failed my run. Today, I passed, and it was good, so today, I'm just letting the stress go.
I have a paper due tonight at 6:30. I don't think I'm going to make it, so I'm starting to think of excuses now :D I may just need a beer tonight.
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| I miss my mommy :'( |
| 04.14.04 (8:26 pm) [edit] |
Today is just one of those days where I want to sit in a corner and cry. However, doing that on a Wednesday really makes my week shitty, so I'll not do that.
I called my mom this afternoon, and she couldn't talk long...she was trying to defend her dinner from the bottomless pits I have for sisters. I miss my whole family a whole lot, so I'm really glad I'm going home this weekend. At this point in my life, there's no way that I can rely on having just one person in my life. I am a people person, and I need lots of relationships, or I'm empty. Family is best, because they love you no matter what. They listen well, and the combination of spirits keeps everyone in a rather good mood. I miss being at home.
Thursday, I have my Army Physical Fitness Test. I think I'm ready, but they stress me a bit. We'll be running outside, and 2 hours in the 40 degree cold sucks the energy out. I'm hoping that the trend of this semester can continue. This semester is my best one ever, so maybe I can have the best APFT I've had.
Bloomington is an evil place. There is just too much power in one place...it is dizzying sometimes. I can't wait to get home to re-center myself...this is getting crazy.
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| Ode to the cause-ites |
| 04.13.04 (5:20 pm) [edit] |
All day, people have been telling me that I'm a cause-ite, and when I was reading today's paper, I found out why. I am specifically named as a cause-ite (someone who believes in a cause and stands up for it, even if they seem crazy) in today's Indiana Daily Student. [url=]http://www.idsnews.com/story....[/url] If anyone has time, please read this article, and write a letter to the editor (letters@indiana.edu--be sure to provide your name, address and phone number) on behalf of our first amendment rights, against apathy, and for me as a person. :D Thanks everybody!
PS: everyone who does this, send me a copy seperately (welovethefirstamendment@ hotmail.com), and I'll send you a cookie. :wink:
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| At the stars |
| 04.11.04 (2:51 pm) [edit] |
This weekend flew by, compounded by the fact that I didn't really do anything with it. My room is trashed by my attempt to organize. Organizing is slow...I did manage to empty my closet and organize everything in a logical fashion, so that I can sit on my comfy chair again.
[b]News in Stephan's relationship with females:[/b]
On Thursday afternoon, I was bored, and playing a game on the computer (I'm getting bored of computer games, which is forcing me to actually do stuff), and an MSN box popped up saying, "I need sleep!" and it wouldn't go away! It turned out to be my friend Melissa, and since the box was in my way, I talked to her. We ended up having dinner at Wright, and that was actually the first time we have sat face to face alone and amicable. I think she's disarmed since her roommate has gone. They're ok individually, but together they hate me. Melissa's great (she was last year's crush...I'm over it :wink: )
Friday, I randomly decided to eat at Read Traditional, and I saw my friend Becca. It had been a long time. She's engaged now.
Friday night, I was online talking to my friend Jenn, and we were clicking. I was feeling really lonely, and when I told her that, she said that she was too, and we both miss each other. It was interesting.
This week, I've been reminded how terribly I've been neglecting my new year's resolution to "Maintain and improve existing relationships while forging new ones." [url=Read my resolutions here.]http://www.tblog.com/template...[/url] However, I've not been maintaining the current relationships as I should have been. I hadn't talked to Jenn in more than a month, and I hadn't talked to Melissa in more than four. I was reminded of a Better than Ezra song, "At the stars." A couple of the lines state, "And I finally found/Everybody loves to love you when you're far away." It's true, and for me, it seems that the people I'm closest to are farthest away. Paradox indeed. If anyone gets out of school in the month of April, you need to come visit me (Jenn...Kelli...). I'm cleaning out, so I'll have plenty of room here.
In other news, I got bit by a 13 year old today, after I regained my glasses when she stole them from me. I don't know where that's going, but I thought someone might find it interesting. Oh I remember...I was going to say that she's only six years younger than me instead of eight! (Sorry Jenn :wink: ...love ya :))
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| The elixir of life |
| 04.07.04 (7:57 am) [edit] |
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I currently have about 200 more meal points than I'm supposed to. As cases of V8 Splash cost about $22, if I carry one home for the next ten days, I'll be about right on meal points. However, I haven't been eating as expensively as I usually do (I started going to McDonalds again--salads, of course :D ), so I'll probably still have extra. 10 cases=120 bottles of V8 Splash=60 days of life. If I can get at least that much, I should be able to make it almost all the way through the summer. I've generally started hoarding things in my room in preparation for the end of the...SCHOOL YEAR!!! My cardboard box collection is steadily increasing, as is the dust and lint on my floor from the general disorder. Oh well...it's almost done!
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| A disturbing trend |
| 04.02.04 (7:23 pm) [edit] |
Last night, I had another dream. Very vivid. In color (which only happens when I'm really disturbed, with sound even), but really dark.
It was nighttime, and I was walking out of the elevator of an office building into the lobby. A man appeared in front of me (he looked like one of the guys who work at McDonalds), and pointed his gun at me. I tossed him the key that would operate the elevator, and he shot me, right in the chest. That made me really angry, and I yelled at him, "You kill me every night, asshole!" I don't know what I was referring to, but I know that it wasn't meant to be directed literally toward him. I turned around, and stumbled through a revolving door, and into some sort of office or research facility. When I arrived, it created quite a panic, and they called the EMTs. It felt like I was drunk. I sat down on the ground, because I was really dizzy. The EMTs finally got there about 15 minutes later, and I stood up and flopped down on the gurney they brought. The EMT went off somewhere, maybe to smoke a cigarette or something, and when he got back, I started yelling at him. He said, "you aren't going to make it anyway, so what's your rush?" At that point, I could feel all my blood leaving my head, and I sat up. I was really angry that he was just going to let me die.
And that's where my dream ended. Please leave your insightful comments :)
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| Finally, another dream! |
| 04.01.04 (6:37 am) [edit] |
Last night, for the first time in several weeks, I had, and was able to remember quite a long dream. This one was interesting.
The first thing was that Sara and I were driving in a car on an interstate somewhere. We arrived at a very large city, and all of the sudden we were walking. The tall buildings around us started burning and collapsing, so we had to start running. A strong, hot wind began. At that point, my dad appeared in our group, and we ducked into a basement pub/family restaurant. There, we found out that there had been a nuclear attack nearby, and that a lot of the city was in ruins.
The second part of my dream played like a Frontline episode. Sara and I were in the car again, driving towards the city as we had done before. This time, there was a narrator, and we found out that this nuclear blast had been good for the environment. Apparently, it killed most of the people in the city, which had been putting a strain on the surrounding environment. It even sounds reasonable--I wouldn't put it past Frontline to advocate the use of nukes on American cities.
The third part of the dream was that I was outside, and the winds began to blow again. I was at my grandma's house, but I was also somewhere near the coast (my grandma's house is in north-central Illinois). For a long time, the wind blew, and I was afraid that my grandma's garage would collapse. I fell asleep under a table. When I woke up in the morning, I came out, and saw the fattest, wettest chipmunk I've ever dreamt. My dad came out of the front door like nothing ever happened, and I went to a short dock near the patio.
In the fourth part of my dream, I had apparently gone to a marina to see the damage from the storm. Apparently, over the years, global warming led to growth of the polar ice caps, which drastically lowered sea levels. People couldn't actually dock at the docks anymore, which were about 20 feet above the water. I had been talking to my brother, Michael, and this Australian guy came up and asked me to hold the cargo net while his family climbed up. It turned out he had seven daughters, and the first two where so damned hot. The others were out of my age range. When the youngest three girls were on the net, and about halfway up, the wind began to blow again. The girls were screaming, and people on the dock were too, because the wind was full of small particles. I called out for Mike to come hold the net while I went down to get the girls (I would put more weight on the net so it wouldn't blow as much, and they'd be able to climb up. My dream ended at that point.
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