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| I get the crazies |
| 03.27.04 (8:58 pm) [edit] |
On Thursday, I realized that I'm the one that knows all of the really talented people, and all of the mentally insane people. Yesterday, I was reminded that the people I fall for are the ones that are really incompatible with me.
Also on Thursday, I had fun for the first time ever at a party. Maybe it was because there were no girls there that I was really interested in. I usually have problems going to parties with girls I like, because I get really jealous. I want to spend time with them, but I don't really want to be alone with them. My problem: feeling alone in a crowd.
I wish my I had a little mood to spare tonight, and I would have gone to the party with Sara. However, I don't think my id can really handle all that wire crossing tonight. Don't let me give up.
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| Just a boy |
| 03.25.04 (12:46 pm) [edit] |
For the past couple of days, a friend of mine keeps mentioning a day last semester when she gave me a ladybug. She says that it is one of the happy moments she can remember in her life.
On that day, I wasn't in a good mood. I was in my ROTC uniform for class (it must have been a Wednesday) and I had gone to the post office to mail off a book that someone had ordered from me. As I came out of the post office, there was a woman trying to wrangle her young boy into the car. The boy was ignoring his mom and staring at me. I heard him say, "look Mommy...a soldier!" I don't think that his mom knew I heard him, because she looked up to see what he was talking about. It made me think about myself, and how I wasn't as good as I hoped I would be at everything here at IU. I was wearing sunglasses, because I try to hide sometimes, but it is really hard to do when you are walking around in the open wearing BDUs.
As I approached Forest, I came upon Sara, who was headed somewhere. I'm not sure how, but she had a ladybug, and she gave it to me. The strange thing was that I didn't really question why she was giving me a ladybug, but it felt right. At that moment I felt melted and weak. I felt like a child. I couldn't ask questions, and I couldn't feel silly. At that moment my mind flashed back to Connecticut playing in the sand on the playground with my best friend Sara.
The ladybug crawled around my hands for a couple of minutes as I took my time making my way back to Forest. As I passed through the door, I let it go...
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| Spring Break Fever! |
| 03.20.04 (9:33 pm) [edit] |
To all my fans out there who are just dying to see what I've been up to for spring break, here we go!
[b]Saturday, March 13, 2004[/b]
After checking rooms and closing Forest for the break, I brought my bag down to the drive where John, my GS, was waiting to take me to the airport. It was his dad's birthday, so he was talking to him on the phone when I arrived. After talking to his dad for a short while, John and I headed to the gas station before our drive to Indy. "Ho-kay," we said, and got back in the car.
I'm really glad John was able to take me to the airport. He is the one of all the people in Bloomington who knows and understands me the best. Because of this, and the fact that an hour is a long time to vent, I'm glad John could take me, and I was able to leave everything that was bugging me in that car and heat to Miami with little baggage.
I love airports almost as much as I enjoy flying. I love the smell--coffee and reprocessed air--and everyone having someplace to go. When I boarded my plane to Chicago, I found it interesting that there were soooo many people my age. I couldn't help but think of [u]Final Destination[/u], along with the fact that I was sitting in seat 17A, on flight 1017, leaving at 4:07 PM. Whatever. There was a girl I recognized on the opposite side of the aisle, and I think she recognized me too, because she looked disgusted. :D I don't know where I know her from, but [i]damn[/i], she was hot, but she had way too much luggage, and I had a chuckle as I watched her put it all in the overhead bins.
As my second flight took off, I realized that I was finally on vacation. Out my window, I could see the Chicago skyline--a red and white legged spider with its black body rising above the ground--off in the distance as we took off. As we rose above the clouds in the twilight sky, I couldn't help the tear that liberated itself from the corner of my eye. As we flew over Florida's Atlantic coast, I saw that there are lights everywhere, as if there isn't land anywhere in Florida that isn't covered with buildings or pavement. As we turned back north to land at Miami, I saw lights as far as the eye could see, like gems of various colors spread across a black cloth.
[i](Editors Note: I know this sounds really corny, but bear with me)[/i]
When my taxi brought me to my hotel, the Miami Beach Oceanfront Days Inn, I wasn't sure I was in the right place (my hopes had been raised as we cruised past a Ritz-ier Days Inn). This place looked like a place where plenty a scandal went down, and a place that would have a quarter slot on the bed. I had forgotten that Florida is a creepy place at night--the phony affluence of the neon lights, and the real affluence towering lifelessly 20 stories above you. It seems [i]extremely [/i]lifeless. However, I paid a mere $50/night, so I shouldn't have had such great expectations.
[line]
[b]Sunday, March 14, 2004[/b]
Today, I spoke with a total of four people, and all of them were receiving money from me (for my own self-nourishment, i.e. food). It stinks of irony.
Well, I spent a couple of hours laying out on the beach, but it was cool and windy, so I didn't notice the nice burn-base I obtained. At least I'm not so damned pale anymore (at least my arms aren't)!
[line]
[b]Monday, March 15, 2004[/b]
I don't know what it is today, but I must be giving off some gay vibes. I was sitting on the beach reading a book, and this guy in an orange Speedo walked up to me and asked me if there was a bathroom around. I wasn't sure, but he walked away, and I breathed a sigh of relief. About five minutes later, he came back and talked to me for far too long. When he asked me if I drank, I ended the conversation, not wanting to know where this converation would go. I was kinda creeped out, so I went inside.
Later, I was on my way to dinner, and I almost got run over by this crazy French guy on a bike. When I caught up to him, he asked me if I spoke French (I should have said no). He tried to tell me that the beach about a block away was a nude beach (?) and asked me if I would have a beer with him there tomorrow. Of course, the answer was a resounding [i]no[/i], and I got rid of him by crossing the street.
And of course, for the record, I am not gay (!!!) :)
[LINE]
[b]Tuesday, March 16, 2004[/b]
I went to Starbucks for breakfast, and I gotta tell ya, crazy people go to Starbucks (yes I understand the irony in that statement). They're so shifty and so damned confused! They can't decide what they want, and once they do, their memory of what they ordered changes. That always sucks for the people working there. That and the fact that half of the people are always on their damned cell phones!
Have I ever written about how much I hate cell phones. They will surely be the downfall of civilization. I mean, just let go of that other person for a couple of hours and get to know some of the people [i]around you![/i] Besides, what the hell are you going to do if they need you urgently, and you can't get away? It just makes things worse in your own pathetic life, because you feel bad for that sucker who needs you! [i]Gasp![/i] That is all I have to say.
Well, I guess my straight magic is back today. A curious bronze goddess couldn't help but talk to me as I bathed in the rays of the sun on the patio today. This girl's moves were watched by every man in the vicinity, and of course, most of these men appeared to be at least 60, oggling this 20-something. It's like people go to Florida for one of two reasons: spring break or death (or both if they're stupid). I hope I'm not a sick perv when I'm old. Better yet, I hope I'm never old.
Because I was surrounded by sun-bathing beauties, I stayed out for about four of the hottest hours of the day, and I'm on fire. The only parts of me that aren't burned are my armpits and the backs of my legs (we'll take care of those trouble spots tomorrow).
The last thing that I have to whine about today is that I really don't like Old Navy's spring break commercial (except for the part at the beginning where the hot blonde girl rides the mechanical bull...mmmMMM :wink: ). I really hate the guy who says in that damned annoying voice, "toes on the nose, bros!" If I ever meet him in person, I'll punch him in the face. Or better yet, he can try swimming with one of those Old Navy swimsuits (and not a wetsuit) in California's 50 degree whater and have his nuts turn purple and fall off! That would make me laugh! :lol: Malibu my ass! Of course, the water here is a balmy 74 degrees. That should prevent any testicular mishaps!
[LINE]
[b]Wednesday, March 17, 2004[/b]
Today I realized another dimension by which it was a good thing I was always moving around. I can't believe I never thought of this before! My moving around acted as sort of a filter by allowing me to release the wasteful, unhealthy relationships. Additionally, distance improved the important, long-term and true relationships (the ones that should be kept anyway), and these relationships I've kept are a lot better than they were when I left. If I would have been around longer, I would have had relationships that would have been no where near as good as the ones that are mean to be. I feel that now. I never would have believed it before, but I do now.
My skin is peeling. That is all.
[LINE]
[b]Thursday, March 18, 2004[/b]
The sun was really hot today. I thought I was gonna die, but I stayed out there anyway. It would be a waste to be here in the warm and the sun and not be out getting a good tan! And so I go back out...
[LINE]
[b]Friday, March 19, 2004[/b]
My skin is on fire.
I can't believe I'm excited to be going back to Bloomington, but the family will be there when I get there. I'll be glad to see them. Obviously, I really spent too much time in the sun today. 8)
Oh, and I found out that that beach really [i]is[/i] a nude beach. I was walking down the beach collecting driftwood, and I saw this old, hairy ass. Then I saw another and another...and [i]no naked girls![/i] I high-tailed it out of there!
[LINE]
[b]Saturday, March 20, 2004[/b]
As you may have realized, I am alive and back in Bloomington. If I were not alive, you would not be reading this....well maybe you would be if my luggage had survived the raging inferno. I hope you have enjoyed this post. :wink:
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| The day |
| 03.11.04 (10:29 pm) [edit] |
Today was one of those days I wish I had someone around to just hold and be still. I'm so incredibly lonely. The only person I talk to for any significant amount of time is someone I only talk to online...I don't think we get along as well in person, but that's because it's always in public. The public me is different than the private me. The public me is strong and antagonistic, but the private me just wants a hug. I could use a hug today.
:cry:
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| A plethora of dreams |
| 03.09.04 (9:22 am) [edit] |
Last night I had two dreams:
Dream #1: I was at a basketball game (This probably came from watching Straight Plan for the Gay Man), and then I was commanding a space shuttle on a mission to Mars (this probably came from watching Colin Quinn, who said last night, "we've destroyed this planet, so we should get off it as soon as possible."
Dream #2: This was dream #1 all over again, until I realized that I was dreaming, so I woke up (in my dream) and started reading a US News and World Report magazine.
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| A lot of dreams |
| 03.08.04 (4:07 pm) [edit] |
Stephan's been doing quite a bit of disturbing dreaming lately. Here's the latest:
Saturday night: In this dream, I was Kiefer Sutherland's (Jack Bower on [u]24[/u]) partner in law enforcement, and we had to evacuate a shopping mall while attempting to apprehend a criminal. We finally found the guy, and myself and another officer pulled our guns on him. My gun was a pen gun, which really sucked. The other officer had the largest handgun imaginable (it looked like a flare gun). Our "suspect" refused to cooperate, and it was very strange.
Last night (Sunday night), I had two dreams:
Dream #1: I was flying in a plane somewhere, and the engine caught on fire. Everyone started screaming, but we managed to land in the water somehow, and that put out the engine fire. Somehow, I ended up back at the airport, and there was a FedEx addressed to me waiting there.
Dream #2: For some reason, I was at the airport without my luggage, and I needed to get back to Bloomington to pack, but there was only 1 hr. 40 min. before my flight left. I don't know what happened, because my dream suddenly ended.
[i]This all does not bode well for my spring break plans.[/i]
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| A dream |
| 03.06.04 (12:17 am) [edit] |
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Last night, I had a dream. I am standing, flicking a lighter. I am in the city, and it is the gloom of a city in mid-afternoon. The street is deserted, and I begin to walk. I am in a police officer uniform, and I walk up to a homeless person, who apparently knows me (we're old buddies). I see two kids up on the I-95 overpass of 10th Street, and they are lighting something on fire. I go up to see what they are doing. The kids run from me, but right in front of me. One of the kids looked me right in the eyes, grinned, and pointed a sniper rifle toward my eyes. I stood still for what seemed to be 5 years, as they ran by in slow motion. Freud, if you're out there, tell me what this means!
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| Romanian orphans |
| 03.03.04 (5:53 pm) [edit] |
Imagine what it could be like to be brought up in an institution in Romania in the worst circumstances. You could be cold and bored, with meagre and unvarying meals, bleak mealtime experiences fighting for food or your bottle propped up in a cot.
You had nobody to call your own, to look forward to seeing, to love and hold you. The strict regimentation left no time for personal attention or affection and there was very little colour or variety.
There are some days that I feel like a Romanian orphan. Many of these children died, because they starved themselves because they could not look forward to the touch and interaction with another human being.
I got a hug yesterday for the first time in at least two weeks. It was unexpected. I think that the touch of another person is a verification of your own existence. You can injure yourself in a variety of ways, but unless you feel the skin of another human being against your own, how are you able to tell you you are awake or dreaming? As you go through the rest of the week, remember the incredible power of touching someone else. It sounds silly, I know, but just do it! :wink:
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