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| loneliness |
| 01.18.04 (7:15 pm) [edit] |
I've felt really lonely lately. I think it might be because I have too much time on my hands. I don't have anyone to call, no one online, and no one to invite over. Yeah...I'm really lonely. You know it gets bad when you start swearing at yourself because you're such an idiot. Or when you use song lyrics to express your mood, but there is no one to express them to, so you just put them on your AOL away message in the hopes that someone will actually read them. But, like no one reads these posts, I suspect that very few read my away messages, unless I'm necessary to quell their loneliness, which occurs very rarely. I wish there were a fast-forward button on my life, just like I wish I could rewind. But there is no such button. I guess I've just got to keep plugging on. I just wish that I could get to the part where everyone gets what they deserve and I can finally laugh, because I'm not laughing right now. Life just isn't funny now. Love isn't real (in the sense that most people see it), and I think that it's funny that people invest so heavily in a false love. It makes me want to laugh and puke my guts out at the same time. At least they think they're happy. Maybe that's what makes me angry. I don't know. Well...I'll be happy soon. I've just got to make myself happy, because I'm not ever going to find anyone who will make me happy, if in fact such a person exists, and if they are looking for me as much as I'm looking for them. I feel refreshed, but with a new sense of vengeance within me. I guess we will see how things go, but as you can see, I'm optimistic. :wink:
Oh, and please do not leave any bullcrap comments like, "Oh, Stephan, don't be sad!" I'm not sad, just empty.
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| New Year's Resolutions |
| 01.07.04 (8:51 pm) [edit] |
I've put together a list of goals/things to do for myself in 2004. This is not an all inclusive list, but things that don't make it to this list will likely be forgotten by me :) You may or may not enjoy reading this, but quite frankly, I don't care! It's not really for you anyway! I will try to update it as often as I remember something else that needs to be added
1. To score a 300 on the Army Physical Fitness Test.
2. To make the Dean's list for at least one of the two semesters, and to consistently improve my grade point average.
3. Improve productivity and reduce procrastination.
4. Keep my room clean enough that the door can be open at all times
5. Willingly step outside my comfort zones (either emotionally or physically) at least once a day.
6. Maintain and improve existing relationships while forging new ones. (Note: Remember the goal is quality, not quantity, but a larger quantity of quality is better than a smaller quantity of quality.
This is all I have right now, but I'll think more about it, in lieu of having dreams about Allison poking me. 8)
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