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| Tired |
| 04.09.05 (9:44 pm) [edit] |
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I'm probably the oldest 20 year old you'll ever meet. I'm so tired, and a bit lonely. I shouldn't be so lonely. I just want to be able to play and have fun, but there's this thing called a conscience, which I have, which makes it a bit hard sometimes. I'm thankful for this girl named Meg, who loves me even when I stray, and I'm sorry for making it hard on her.
Why are there so many damned girls around here? Let's see...Stephan's week: one governor's daughter (business meeting with ice cream), scandal of two Purdue girls (let's not go there), a UB girl offering her expert advice and random makeout skills (I declined, thank you), an ROTC cadet requiring an escort (the boyfriend is out of town), and my lovely girlfriend (the one I haven't been fighting hard enough to keep). That's more than I care to count. Or am able to count on one hand (the other hand is cradling my balls as someone--maybe even me--kicks them repeatedly). What is this shit? I'll go ahead and blame it on my biological father. I haven't blamed him for anything lately. Fucker.
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| Living in the past |
| 02.26.05 (8:18 pm) [edit] |
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I miss 1999. It was the last year I lived in Michigan, and it was probably the best year of my life. I don't remember so much about it anymore, and I'm sort of tired of living in memories. I love the people I knew there, and I miss them a lot, but my relationships with them, though based on memories, are nothing like the way they used to be.
I was talking to Lana the other day, and she said that she was looking forward to the Union Board reunions. I didn't say anything, but I'm really not looking forward to them. I'm sort of looking forward to my high school reunions, but not so much the Union Board one. It's apparently every two years, and I don't know if I could endure that so often. I really hate Bloomington, and I hate Bloomington people in general, but it remains to be seen how my relationship with Union Board people will turn out. I can't wait to see how fat HS people have gotten, and how many babies they've made, but I'm not sure I really want to see that with Union Board people. They're a different kind of species than I'm used to. The people that I thought I'd be getting along well with has sort of turned out to be the opposite of reality, and I'm not able to predict the office drama, like I often can elsewhere.
I just don't think it's such a hot idea to live in the past. I've moved over ten times, and I don't like leaving stuff behind. It hurts too much to hold on to it. The memories are great, but to live in them is terrible. Also, it's hard to maintain relationships with so many people when you're so busy. I sort of wish that I didn't know so many people, because I feel like I'm neglecting them all. Anyway...this turned out to be a big rant that doesn't really make any sense.
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| In a better mood |
| 02.02.05 (2:08 pm) [edit] |
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I'm sorry for those people who had to endure my anger yesterday. I was really angry at one person, who almost got it, but I was too much of a chicken shit to tell that individual that this was about them. But whatever...that was yesterday. I'm sorry Kathleen for taking out my anger on you, because me being angry in general wasn't anything to do with you at all, but I let things get blown out of proportion, which was silly. Whatever. Tomorrow is a new day.
However, I am tired of being around stupid people. Lots of people around here are incredibly unintelligent, and it makes the day a long slow affair. Hopefully, I stop running into stupid people, or maybe I'll send less time hanging around...just lock myself up in my room and play some music and be alone. I think I could use that right now.
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| IU women are cold like ice |
| 02.01.05 (2:50 pm) [edit] |
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Just in case anyone was wondering, just because people want to make conversation doesn't mean they want to get in each others pants. Are we like 13 years old? Come on now. Thanks to anyone who has made me feel awkward this week for my desire to make conversation. This one goes out to you. Relationships, and life in general, are more than just sex. Anyone who has a problem with that needs to stay the fuck away from me. I can't handle people who have something stuck so far up their asses that they can't have a fucking conversation with me. That's all.
Leave your comments.
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| Time for a new blog |
| 01.18.05 (7:20 pm) [edit] |
I was looking at my blog tonight, and I realized that the last few have been really depressing. That's really not the me that I want people to know, but I'm not one to delete blogs, because you really can't go back in life and take back things that you've said. Life doesn't work that way, so they're out there for you all to look at.
Lately, I've been worried about my relationship with my God, but I realized today that I know he is there and that he loves me. Every time I think about my Meg I can't help but think about how much He must love me to let me have a girl like her. She's my angel, and I am thankful that He brought her into my life. I really need to go to church more often though to thank him for all that He has given me, because there's really a lot.
On my Meg...I've been missing her a lot lately, and I can't wait for her to come back. Just 23 days, I've been told. I don't have that many fingers and toes, so I can't remember--I can just count to 20. I miss holding her, miss kissing her, miss hearing her beautiful voice, miss running my fingers through her silky red hair, and staring into her big blue eyes. I know it sounds gross, but I keep finding her hair everywhere. Today, I found it in a book, the day before that, I found it stuck to my wall, and the day before that, it was in my scarf. She's been gone for five days, but it's still floating around. Maybe I should vacuum.
My arm is really sore. I made an appt. today to donate plasma, and during the day, I decided I didn't want to go so bad, but I got a parking ticket, so I decided I should probably go so I could at least pay for that. The woman who checked my blood says I've got great protein levels and iron and that I must have a great diet. I told her that I went to McDonalds last night, and the only meal I had today was two donuts, a cookie sandwich, and a bottle of chocolate milk. She didn't really know what to say. Then when they hooked me up to the machine, they stuck the needle in wrong, and it really hurt. They had to move it three times before they got it right. Doing this though puts a whole new spin on the term "blood money" :wink:
So, I got elected as a director for Union Board. I had a very negative impression at first, but this weekend has really taken care of that, and I'm really excited for this year. I'm the Campus Community director (a brand new committee), and I've already got one volunteer from last year's UB who wants to be on my committee. Thank's President Johnson for your good advice to that young lady. :wink: I really like all the directors, and I'm excited about working with them this year.
The dorms suck. That's all I have to say. Can't wait to get out of here. Woohoo! Only about 109 days left till the end of the year!
Currently playing on iTunes: Satellite by Collective Soul. Great song.
I wish you all a great week. I love that cathartic feeling after writing a blog. It's all out there. Get some catharsis by leaving some comments :wink:
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| Time |
| 11.15.04 (8:26 am) [edit] |
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I wish I could make peace with my enemy, Time. Time has flown by when I wanted it to go slowly, and has been ticking by like Chinese water torture when I want it to fly. Where has it gone? the past two and a half years, HS graduation, Virginia, Michigan, hating middle school, chasing girls on the playground, playing in the tree fort my dad made Mike and I? And now, Time has brought me to a place I never thought I'd be...I've gone and fallen in love, I'm close to graduation. Where will you take me next? Marriage...children? How many years in the Army? One day I'll be putting my kids on the bus for the first day of school, and the next I'll be taking them off to college. Please...I won't ask you to go away ever again. Give me the chance to savor the moment. There is so much to be done. Please give me the chance.
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| Meg |
| 11.09.04 (9:47 am) [edit] |
Hello everyone! Thanks for looking at my profile! I just have a few things I want to say.
First of all, I was thinking today about my girlfriend, Meg, as I usually do, and there were a few things that were running through my head. I have never met anyone like Meg, and I can't imagine my life had I not met her. I miss her so much, and going to sleep at night without this beautiful girl next to me really sucks. I haven't slept a whole night in over two weeks without waking up to a bad dream, or dreaming of her and waking up hoping that she's there next to me. Then I get up at 5 AM to go to PT. As I wake up and clear my eyes, I think to myself, "another day without Meg"....bad way to start the day. I walk to PT...it's 40 degrees outside and raining, and I wish she were walking with me, her warm hand interlocked with mine. Then PT...doing 100 side straddle hops at a feverish pace...I drift off into space, and all I can think of is her face (ooh...I'm oh so lyrical). And then I knock 'em out...as if doing more push ups will close the 700 miles between us. I go home, take a shower, and go back to bed (I usually don't have to set an alarm, because I can't sleep more than an hour before I dream about her and it wakes me up). Then it's down to the center desk, where I listen to Mike complain about something, and I think about how much I really don't want to be there. I eat some lunch, daydream a bit, then go to class. My Tuesday/Thursday classes are terrible...environmental policy and Tolstoy and Dostoevsky, and I'm usually so distracted that all I can do is to write a letter to her. Anyway, all I can think about is Meg.
Second, Reality slaps me in the face and says, "HEY DUMBASS!!! YOU MET THIS GIRL JUST THREE MONTHS AGO!" But I don't care too much about that...the only ones who do are Reality's buddies, Time and Space. I have never felt so right in my entire life as I have in what little time I've spent with Meg. In fact, there have been few times in my life when I've really felt right at all, and being with Meg feels completely natural. One situation stands out in my mind...when Meg and I were still in Washington DC, she stayed an extra day with me so she wouldn't have to go home with her parents. At this point in time, our relationship was still relatively platonic, but I remember taking the elevator down around 6 AM that Sunday morning (I had an early flight...I believe in maximizing the day) so that I could go to the airport, and she to the Metro. The time in the elevator was extremely awkward...we hugged, and I said something incomprehensable, and we left. And another thing...airports are a sad place now...at least when I'm not picking someone up or leaving for a place with the initials NY. Anyway...back to my story...I couldn't think of anything other than Meg stories, which surely got annoying after a while. Heck...I was gone for a whole week, and I just had some random girl to talk about. "Did you get any?" "Well...no, but..." I couldn't stop thinking about her, and I haven't right up to today. It feels like I've known her for at least 3 years rather than months. It's strange because when I think about stuff more than three months ago, I think, "that's before I knew Meg," and it's really weird to think that there was a time I didn't know Meg.
I do know one thing, if there's nothing else I can be certain of. I am in love with Meg more than I ever thought it to be possible to love someone. I have even had a point in my life where I truly believed that love was not possible. Of course, I was wrong. There are just so many things I didn't think were possible that Meg has proven wrong. Only ten more days till she comes, and I can't wait.
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| Death and leaves |
| 10.11.04 (7:44 pm) [edit] |
Today as I was walking to my exam, I was thinking about how beautiful autumn is. I love to wade through the leaves on 3rd St, and I love the beautiful colors. Then, it struck me--autumn is a celebration of the beauty and poetry of death.
This weekend at Camp Atterbury, I found out just how fucked up I really am. This Army stuff doesn't come easy to me, even though I've been working at it for THREE YEARS. For some people, it comes really easy, but for me, I just completely fucked it up. I couldn't give a good OPORD, I had no idea where the fuck we were supposed to go (was I supposed to be able to tell that there was a little path running through the fucking woods?), and then all of my squad except for two people ended up dead. The one person had no idea what to do, and the other came through and started killing everyone who was left alive. I was a NO GO. At this point, I'm not in good enough shape to go to camp according to LTC Scudder, I sure as hell wouldn't know what I'm doing once I get there, and my feet are ate-the-fuck-up. I have eight or nine blisters from my boots. I should be semi-good at this by now, but I don't think I'm good enough to be useful enough to the Army, and I'm a disgrace to those who actually are really good.
I'm really tired of doing all of the RA bullshit. I love my residents (they're a lot better than last year), but I can't handle all of the drama with other RAs, and a lot of the work that they give me to do is really stupid. How in the hell are these people supposed to know what works on my floor if they're making decisions without even having been on my floor?! I've got a pretty tight knit community, and they did it themselves, mostly without my help, and without all of the bullshit that they expect me to do in order to build what they think a community should look like. How in the fuck are you supposed to know what a community looks like if you are a fifty-something year-old guy who hasn't lived in a residence hall in about ten years (and even then he wasn't an actual resident)? One thing that I do know is that I surely won't be doing this again next year (if I can even make it through this year).
Classes are really tough...there's so much work, and I struggle just to get by.
Then of course there's Meg. She's as close to perfect as any girl I've ever met has been. I know I'm not good enough for her, and I feel like a phony--a fraud--and I know I just don't deserve anyone so perfect. I get to go visit her in three days, but I don't deserve to go there and leave my world here in shambles. I wish I had more time, more energy, more will to do everything that needs to be done, but the fact is that I just don't. I'm struggling just to get by.
Lastly, the most severe degradation in my life is that I've lost touch with God. It's been about four years since I've really felt connected, and being here at an extremely liberal university wears you down to the point where you feel ok just by knowing that He exists, if nothing else but to acknowledge His existence. I know that's not enough, because if you don't let Him into your life, there's nothing He can do about it. But I don't know where to start, and where I can find Him again.
Autumn is the most beautiful and poetic process of dying. Then comes the winter, where all is dead, and the beauty of everything bathed in white is astounding. Jesus showed us that death is just the step to the most wonderous life ever--everlasting life. If God be merciful, I would die tonight in my sleep, slipping into a place where I can really feel like I belong.
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| Random Ramblings |
| 09.27.04 (8:27 am) [edit] |
Well...since it's been over two weeks since I've updated my blog, I guess it's about that time again. Meg was starting to get a little sassy about it. :) I'm not quite sure how it will fall together, but I'll find something to talk about.
Today I was thinking about my AIM buddy list. It seems that I've been doing a lot less interaction with the people at the top of my list (in the "buddies" category) and a lot more time talking to other people. My other categories are "YAFers", "New RAs", "GOC" (needs to be changed to IUCA), "Old RAs", "Canada Friends", "ROTC", and "People I don't know". The interesting thing about "People I don't know" is that whenever I read about someone in someones profile, I add that person to "People I don't know." It helps me get inside my friends' worlds by adding an independent dimension of analysis. Whatever the hell that means. I think I'm just rambling on that.
There is a grad student who lives on my floor who finished making a bridge out of popsicle sticks last night. It was pretty cool, and extremely sturdy. The guys on my floor took turns standing on it. Before it broke, the bridge held 470 pounds (two really heavy guys). I was pretty impressed with their efforts. I'm really loving my floor this year. It is a great, outgoing group of guys. They get along, do stuff together all the time, and break less stuff. It makes my job a lot easier, especially when they plan programs for the floor.
ROTC this semester is a lot tougher, and I can't believe that we're all MSIIIs! The past two years have gone by pretty quick. We'll be out and into the Army before we know it. Last year, it seemed that there was a lot of tension within our class with people not getting along, but it seems a lot better this year. People who never really talked to me before are nice to me. I hope that I can continue to buckle down and earn their respect. In about a year and a half, we'll be graduating, and then we'll all be working for the same boss all the time.
Classes blow. Nuf said!
Then there's Meg...the best thing to happen in my life in a long, long time. For a very long time, I didn't think it was possible to feel so strongly about a person, but it feels so right now. In just a couple of weeks, I'll be going to visit her. I just can't wait! :)
I guess that's all for now!
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| A weekend with Meg |
| 09.09.04 (2:57 pm) [edit] |
Last weekend was my birthday, and the best present of all was having Meg come visit me. Meg was kind enough to write all about her visit in her blog (here is a http://www.xanga.com/home.asp...[/link), but I'm going to elaborate on certain parts.
I spent all day Friday cleaning up my room, because it was really trashed, and I didn't want Meg to think that I'm a slob (which, of course, I am). I left Forest at about 3 PM, and drove north on SR37 to get to the airport. When I got just past Martinsville, traffic came to a complete standstill. So complete, in fact, that I was able to park my car for about an hour and fifteen minutes. By the time we started moving again, it was 4:45, and I was freaking out. Meg's flight was supposed to come in at 5. Once traffic did get moving, they sent us on a long detour about 30 miles east of where I was going. The fact that I thought that I was late, combined with my propensity for extreme road rage, meant that I had to make an extreme effort to keep from convulsing by the time I got to the airport. It was 6 PM. Meg told me that she'd only been there for about ten minutes, so it was ok. I hope she wasn't just saying that to make me not feel bad. Then, we turned around to go to Bloomington, and it took ANOTHER three hours. Needless to say, my butt really hurt by the time we got there. When we did get back to Bloomington, we went to Applebees for dinner (possibly because I knew that Meg wouldn't try to pay for it, since I had gift cards--I'm sneaky like that). Then we went home and watched Along Came Polly.
Saturday morning we kinda lounged around the room. It seemed that every time we'd be fully engaged in a kiss, one of our phones would ring (Life's a bitch). I don't think we ended up leaving until around 1 PM when we went to McDonalds to get some lunch, which we brought back home. Then, we started watching The Girl Next Door, but we both got really tired, so we took a nap until it was time to go to the Indiana-Central Michigan football game. We went to the game, and I was really distracted, but we won anyway (would it have mattered if I was paying attention or not?), so I guess that's good. 41-10! A crazy win! Then, we came back and got some dinner. Pretty much as soon as we finished our dinner, the phone rang, and we were supposed to go over to Brandon's to hang out, which we did. I think this is when we started playing our game of kissing in dangerous places (i.e. in the empty elevator, in the hallway, at red lights, or on Brandon's couch while he left the room). Meg was worried about my public image (what public :wink:), so that's why we didn't kiss in public (or I should say get caught kissing in public).
Sunday (my birthday), we waited until pretty much the very last minute to get ready to go for church. Meg and I had to go get our dose of Jesus at least to take care of our transgressions on Friday and Saturday (I'll still have to go to church next Sunday to take care of Sunday and Monday's fun). At church, when I introduced Meg to different people, I guess they were under the impression that she'd be coming back every weekend, and I didn't really have the heart to tell them that she wouldn't. After church, we went back to my room, and I called my mom while Meg took a little nap. Oh...I guess that's another dangerous time for kissing...while you're on the phone with your mom. :) After that, we went for a walk around campus, but it was a little too hot for it to be too enjoyable. For dinner, Meg took me out to Outback Steakhouse (the best restaurant in the world)...oh yeah...we kissed while we were waiting for a table. The greeter noticed and looked at me funny. After dinner, we came back to see the sunset, but we missed it. We were trying every night to see the sunset, but we missed it every time (I had been telling Meg how beautiful our Indiana sunsets are, and I wanted her to see one). At 8 PM, we had to break up the excitement for a floor meeting, but then we went to see Garden State around 10. It was a really good movie, but probably not a good idea to go see it when Meg has to leave the next day. The whole story is that this guy falls in love with this girl and doesn't want to go home (and he actually DOESN'T end up going home). It was pretty emotional. Then, we came back home and fell asleep pretty quick (we slept the longest on Sunday night, probably because we were both pretty tired).
On Monday, we did get up pretty quick, and we went to have breakfast at McDonalds. Then we came back and booked my flight to NY (I do stuff quickly so the prices don't go up :wink:), where I get to visit Meg on October 15, which isn't too far away. The computer was giving me trouble, and I was getting kinda mad, but kissing Meg cooled me down. Then all too soon, I had to take Meg back to the airport. We were praying for red lights along the way, which is kinda dangerous, but whatever...it was worth it. Then for about an hour, we became those people who just hang out and kiss in the airport and not seem to ever go anywhere. We were out of the way though, which I guess sort of made it alright. The drive back to Bloomington really sucked, and I almost fell asleep a couple of times. Not because I was tired, but I was just...well, I don't really know what I was.
By this time in 34 days, I will be in Meg's car on the way to Ithaca (5 AM flight lands in Syracuse at 9). I'm really excited about that. It will be her fall break, so the whole place will be deserted (hopefully). It should be lots of fun, and I'm really looking forward to it. :)
Oh, and by the way, where has my readership gone?! No one has posted a comment since mid-August, and that blog kinda sucked anyway. Post your comments!
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| Chain Reaction |
| 09.01.04 (8:42 am) [edit] |
As I was emailing a friend today (belatedly, I admit), I was thinking about what caused certain things to happen in my life. This is another one of my theories, and I don't think that I've ever found it to be wrong. Everything we do has a profound impact on other aspects of our life, whether we think it will or not.
My freshman year, I met Karl Born, a somewhat crazy guy. He got me involved in Grand Old Cause, a conservative activism group. Because of Karl's networking, I was able to attend the Leadership Institute's Youth Leadership School at a sharply discounted rate. There, I met and talked at great length with Kim Holley, a conservative Democrat attempting to dethrone some sleazeball US Representative in North Carolina. She offered me a job, but I had to return home. In December of last year, I came home and there was a message from her telling me to apply for the Ronald Reagan Future Leaders Scholarship from the Phillips Foundation. I had heard of the scholarship, but had determined that I didn't have enough time to compile the information requested and get letters of recommendation. Her call, even though I didn't get to talk to her, convinced me to get my ass to work on it. I compiled all of my stuff as well as SIX letters of recommendation, in just under two weeks. A couple of months later, I got a letter saying that I had won the scholarship. Later, I found out that there was the opportunity to attend the National Conservative Student Conference free of charge as part of being a scholarship winner. I attended the conference, and had a lot of fun, but best of all, I met Meg. I would even go so far as to say that she's probably the best thing in my life right now. She's so great, in fact, that she's coming 700 (!) miles to visit me for my birthday.
I probably could even go farther back than Karl (possibly thanking Saddam Hussein for being a doo-doo head so that there were protestors against the war hosting a protest where I met Karl), but you can see that little things that you never expect can connect in big and life-changing ways. Think about that one today as you go on your way.
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| ROTC funness |
| 08.30.04 (2:58 pm) [edit] |
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This year will be my third year in ROTC, which means that we actually get to do important stuff this year. I guess I hadn't really thought too much about it, but it's gonna be a big change from last year. Today we got a whole bunch of emails about our organizational structure, and it's really interesting. I will be the platoon leader for Alpha Co. 2nd PLT. I guess it's sort of a middle management position, so that's pretty good. I'm really excited for this year though. I just hope I was paying enough attention during my 1st and 2nd years that I don't screw up too bad. I'm sure we'll all do ok though, since we've made it this far.
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| So relaxed |
| 08.28.04 (1:31 am) [edit] |
I've been working all summer on being less serious, taking things less personally, and being more calm, and from what I've seen of myself the past two weeks, it seems to be working. I even have Sara convinced...but she still worries it may be a hangover of summer.
The good thing is that I've had a lot more energy, been a lot more positive, and have gotten angry an average of less than one time per day, as opposed to last year's average of being angry all the time. All of my positive energy is spilling over to areas in my life making me more successful...I can actually get along with [almost] all the RAs!
Also, in about a week, Meg is coming to visit me, which will make me really happy. AND it will be my birthday! I'm gonna be in a crazy good mood for most of September, and I hope it lasts. I'm just so excited about Meg coming that I can't really sleep right now, and I had to find something to write about in my blog. I think I did ok with that. Less than a week, and I'll be hangin out with Meg! :D
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| People of summer |
| 08.24.04 (8:19 pm) [edit] |
In this blog, I was going to talk about the people I met this summer...in the factory and at the National Conservative Student Conference, but I realized how long it would take, and how I really don't feel like doing that much work.
Instead, I'm going to talk about the person I met this summer who's had the best impact on my life (or at least the past few weeks of it). For those of you who have not yet heard stories of Meg, now is your chance! :)
I'm doing RA training, so the past couple weeks have sucked, but I've been begging for the night to come. I get to talk to Meg at night, and it gives me something to look forward to at the end of the day.
I guess I should rewind. I met Meg at the National Conservative Student Conference, and we sat together most days during the conference. It wasn't until the last day that we really clicked, or at least that's the way I see it. We went and had breakfast on the bridge where the homeless people sleep, then we went kayaking with a couple of the other girls there. I stayed in the kayak, but I ended up completely soaking wet (the ladies were ganging up to splash me as much as possible). The two other girls had to go to the airport after that, so Meg and I went to eat at TGI Fridays. We had pretty good conversation, and Meg's parents were in town to pick her up, but Meg wasn't looking forward to going back on a five hour drive with them, so I offered to let her stay an extra night at my room. Her mom didn't want to let her, but I guess when they came to get her, she gave her dad the puppy eyes. Anyway, it worked, and the day I got to spend with Meg was the highlight of my whole time in DC. Since then, we've talked a lot, and she is just perfect. It's been just a little over two weeks since I've seen her, but it feels like it's been forever. She's coming to visit me for my birthday, which my mom thought was a bit scandalous, but my parents don't care...I give them more information than they care to know. So I guess in about 10 days, I'll have company, and it will be great. :D
Meg, I miss you so much. :(
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| Chronicals of Summer |
| 08.16.04 (1:03 pm) [edit] |
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This is the first part in a continuing series.
My summer started out working at United Technologies Electronic Controls, where I worked third shift for 60, 70, or 80 hours a week. The pay was great, and I made about $9000. I met lots of cool people and have some interesting stories that will be detailed later.
At the beginning of August, I got to go to the National Conservative Student Conference for free because of the scholarship I won back in January. The speakers were good, but hanging out with the other conference attendees was a lot more fun, and I'll write more about that in my next blog, which will detail the people of summer.
Last, I went to Michigan for a few days. Most of my friends had to work, so I mostly just hung out. It was rainy and cold almost every day, so it was kinda sucky, but I had some fun.
Most importantly, I bought a car. In honor of Amy Jo's car, mine is tentatively named "Mama Angus." It is my dad's old '99 Chrysler LHS. Yes, I bought it...I'm not spoiled, thank you. But it is leather...:) If anyone wants a ride, I'm here.
More later about summer people.
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| There's always a wind |
| 06.01.04 (5:33 am) [edit] |
This weekend rocked my socks off (actually, it was almost as boring as hell, as if I've been there before). Well...I did have a friend come visit, so that was a highlight. Otherwise, my days were pretty wacky, because I didn't have to work, and I didn't want to mess up my sleep schedule, I just stayed up all night. It was pretty boring doing. But anyway...on to what I wanted to talk about...
Being up all night makes you appreciate the coming of the day. To watch it happen is rather strange. It is like a great laboring of the earth to slowly turn and bring the warmth of the sun to the waking birds. I liked going running around 5, when the air is still crisp, and the sun just along the tree line. One morning, there was a rather stiff breeze, and it seemed that, like Life, every direction I turned, it was against me. I had walked down to the box to get the paper (about 1/4 mile away), and brought it back to the driveway, and when I got 1/2 mile away, it began to rain. It was rather symbolic of my life. But I love even those mornings. Even in all that suckiness, there is a bit of hope. When I came back to the driveway, the rain and breeze stopped (but it was too late for the newspaper), and the sun came out. So I sat down to ponder Life, and my other nemeses, as the steam of my sweat rose off my body into the fresh morning air.
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| Some words of wisdom from Mom |
| 05.30.04 (10:10 pm) [edit] |
"A lot of times girls go for the guys that they are certain no one else would ever want--it's a psychological thing. How do I know this? [[i]puts her arm in the air and points down at herself[/i]] Me. Hopefully they grow out of it before it's too late."
Thanks, Mom. I think that's a complement (girls aren't flocking to this guy, so I must not be hopeless yet).
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| Disturbed sleep=lots of dreams |
| 05.26.04 (5:38 pm) [edit] |
I had another very strange dream this morning. At first, I was in AP English class in high school, and then we went to lunch. My friend (?) Melissa asked me if I'd eat lunch with them, and so I took my lunch and sat down, and they all went to get their food. When they all came, it was Melissa, and her friends Jessica, and Stephanie, and a girl at the other end of the table who I've never seen before in my life, but she's been in my dreams before. She has extremely fine dark hair, with random strands of blonde, and it is only shoulder length. She sat quietly and ate, while the other three were really noisy.
The next scene is rated PG-13. I'm kneeling on the floor in my grandma's (?) living room, and the random girl is laying on her back in only her underwear with her head closest to me. I leaned down, and kissed her on the nose, and began tickling and kissing her. Then my parents came in. I was over in the corner, and they were talking to her, and her nose began to get longer, like Pinoccio. Perhaps this is because Mom and Dad think everyone always lies to them. But whatever, that was the end of my dream.
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| A long time to think |
| 05.25.04 (3:46 pm) [edit] |
If I didn't already mention it, I'm working on third shift now, so while the rest of the world is sleeping, I'm at work. It's a bit weird driving to work in the dark (I have terrible nightvision), but it is really cool when I get off work at 6 AM and I go outside and the sun is shining. It gives me the hope of a new day, even though mine is over. There is some deeper meaning in there somewhere, but I'm not going to search for it.
The one thing about third shift that bothers me a little is that if you are working by yourself, and you're tired, you think crazy things. Yesterday (this morning, for all you non third shifters), I even started talking to myself out loud, and realized I should stop once people started looking at me, so I sang instead. One thing about me that I really don't like is that when there is a situation that makes me uncomfortable, it plays over and over again in my head, and it makes me really angry. Situations where I can't really control myself make me feel like a little kid, and yesterday's incident keeps playing over and over again in my head, especially the looks on everyones faces. There are times when stupid stuff happens, and you wonder if you'll ever be able to look that person in the eyes again.
The other thing about working in a factory is that pretty much all of the women had kids when they were 16 or so. THIS IS ONE OF THE THINGS THAT MAKES ME GLAD I'M NOT TIED TO ANYONE IN HUNTINGTON. What happens to people here is that they get a job, pizza place, Subway, factory, whatever...and they find a buddy and start making babies. I even feel bad for girls going to school, no matter how far away, who have boyfriends here in Huntington, [i]especially [/i]townie boyfriends. What will happen is they will come back to their boyfriend, hopelessly employed in a dead end job, and start making babies. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THESE GIRLS STUDIED IN SCHOOL. They could have studied nuclear physics, but if they come back here, they aren't going anywhere. They'll be here until all their teeth fall out. Everyone says they'll escape Huntington at the first possible moment, but how are you going to do that with a boyfriend who is nearing 30 and [i]still[/i] delivering pizzas. Sure, it's possible, but not probable. WHY in hell would you tie yourself to a place you want to leave. Because of that special person you spent all that time with? Let me tell you something! There are more than [i]six billion[/i] people on this forsaken planet...making that 5,999,999,986,000 of them non-Huntington residents. Odds are, [i]one[/i] of those 5.99 billion people can suit your needs. Am I bitter? Yes. Will I laugh when I come to my HS reunion and half of the "smart" girls in my AP English class are married, engaged, or pregnant, and tied to a Huntingtonite? YES! I do believe that you get what you give/deserve. If you were an arrogant bitch, you'll get what's coming to you...a drug addict/drunkard/ex-con husband, your teeth will all fall out, and you'll have [i]at least[/i] five kids. Oh...and you'll live in Huntington for the rest of your life...in one of the trailers on the west side, or one of the crappy houses south of the river. But none of you girls are going to read this, so why am I writing? For the record, I suppose. Then I can say, "I TOLD YOU SO!" Or maybe I'll just treat you the way most of you have treated me all the time I've been here, and ignore you! I don't believe you people. I forgot what I was talking about. Oh well.
One more thing: people don't become successful because they're nice...they're successful because people [i]think [/i]that they are nice. Gotta keep up appearances. :wink:
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| Don't lay on the horn if you aren't sure they'll never see you again! |
| 05.24.04 (5:30 pm) [edit] |
Tonight, my sister and I had a near death experience. I was driving around where I shouldn't have been in the first place, and I saw someone I knew, so I honked, and sped off, leaving them looking after us confused. Then I did something revealing of the idiotic tendencies of my manhood--I turned around and went back, similar in a way to how guys like to go back and see the splattered animals they've run over in the street.
So, I went back, and stopped. I saw Melissa and her friend Jenny, and then I realized that Melissa's boyfriend was getting out of his car. He came over to my window as Melissa was yelling at him. The idiot had his car door open the first time we went by, and it was still open when we came back, so I guess he thought we were honking at him. Then, he started laughing and asked if he knew me...if only! I should have been even more typical of my gender and gotten out of the car in response to this challenge! But the logic part of my brain took over. I'm doing just great!
The moral of today's story: if you don't know for sure who you are honking at, don't honk!
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| A date with Tad Hamilton |
| 05.22.04 (7:33 pm) [edit] |
"Hmm..." you're thinking, after reading that subject line. Has Stephan gone off the deep end, and betrayed all of his moral sense and turned gay? No. Please let me explain...
Tonight my mom and 2 sisters and I watched the chick flick A date with Tad Hamilton. I'll say that it is a pretty good movie, and kinda how I wish my life would go, but I know it won't. That movie is the way life really is (except for the happy ending)--people love other people who don't return the love. And the ones who love us a lot of times end up being taken for granted. For those of you who have seen the movie, the bartender is the classic example. She loves the main character, Pete, but he loves Rosie. When Rosie leaves, she gets her chance (until Rosie comes back). Yes, I think that it is mostly true that when our love is not reciprocated by the people we love the most, we have to try our luck with the second best. That is why I'm so sad.
For me, it seems that I always fall for the girls that already have boyfriends. I don't know why that is. It may be that I enjoy a challenge, but I've been told that I'm actually afraid that someone might love me back. I think whoever told me that is probably right, as sad and pathetic as that is. I won't speak about myself, but from what I've seen, unreciprocated love is the most steadfast and pure, because it does not expect to be returned. But then again, that can't be entirely true, because you can't have love without first having hope.
I'm going to go cry myself to sleep now.
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| Five years old |
| 05.13.04 (10:00 am) [edit] |
There are days when I wish I were still five years old, a time when school was fun, before I knew fear, when I could hide, before I knew how things worked, before I knew what love was, before stress, before money, before leaving...when girls could still be friends.
Don't lose yourself.
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| I'm home |
| 05.10.04 (8:17 pm) [edit] |
Whew...I'm finally home.
The year was much too long, but the summer may be long too. I know what I'm looking for, but the fact that I can't have it is going to give me an ulcer.
Moving home really sucked. I lost at least two boxes...one with my entire CD collection and digital camera, and another with all of my papers and projects from my freshman year at IU. So yeah, that really sucked.
I really need to do something so I have a new story. Last week was lots of fun, and now most of the relevant and timely stories start with "Melissa..." And my last story of the sort...she's going to Virginia on Wednesday, which I completely forgot, so I'm bored. Well...I was bored anyway.
I passed a middle school math test so I can work in the factory, and went to take my urine test for drugs. I'll start work next Wednesday, so I'll be a lot busier and have a lot less time to feel sorry for myself. Not that I really feel sorry for myself, it's just boredom. I'm going to try to work as many hours as I can, so 40+ per week. Anything I make over 40 is time-and-a-half or double time. And at $11/regular hour, double time would be extra sweet. As evil as it sounds, I kinda hope Mike gets in trouble with the car, so Dad can renegotiate Mike's "lease" to me, so I can have a car for the fall. I'm kinda sad that all of my friends will be moving off campus, and I'll want a way to get to go see them. I think that for my senior year, I will probably live off campus. I'm not sure how much more of the on campus BS I can take.
Dad is going to Atlanta on Wednesday, and if I get up to take him to the airport at 4 AM and pick him up around midnight, I'll get to have the car for the day. That will be sweet. He drives a Malibu MAXX, which is a really pimp ride. Any ladies want to ride, gimme a shout out. You know where to find me :wink:
I feel like a lot nicer guy lately...Sara and I are friends again (I think :wink: ), and I've gotten to catch up with my mom. But there is still something empty inside. I think I am a very physically emotional person as well as a people person, and I don't get to express those things very often. I think I've been doing a bad job with friends, and I need to hang out with them more often, but I don't want to seem like a stalker (I'm not a stalker). It makes me sad sometimes, because I have people who have known me for a long time, and they know what I'm thinking, but I missed out on being a good friend for them, due to moving and other negative effects on my timing. I loathe you Time! You're always really mean to me. Maybe that is why they say patience is a virtue. I guess I can just wait to get mine. As I've said before, I'll be coming back, Count of Monte Cristo style. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go watch the movie. It is my life, only 300 years ago, or whenever that took place.
I just have one more thing to say tonight, and it is about love. I have been in love for a looooooong time, but mine has never been reciprocated, though recently acknowledged by the girl. I will never force someone to love me. However, I can't help but be sad when girls don't leave relationships just because they don't think they could do better (it may just be that I think they could do better, but whatever). You can do better, and you will. Also, there is plenty of time to get married and have a family. Just don't make [i]me[/i] wait too long :wink: But I guess I'm not really a good expert on love, considering how much I've experienced...as near to absolute zero as scientists have ever gotten...that's me, baby!
Well, that's all for now. I'm going to try to keep this fresh at least once a week. Get a subscription with Bot a Blog, and post comments or send me a private message. I'm tired of writing these long-ass blogs and having no one respond to them (besides you, Kelli :)). Goodnight all!
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| I have a headache |
| 04.30.04 (9:50 am) [edit] |
It seems that I've had a headache almost every day for the past two weeks. I don't think I've been getting enough sleep.
Today, I need to finish my paper. Well...I needed to finish it the day before that, and before that, the week before. I think I can get it done today, and send it to her this evening. I have to work at the desk from 12-2, but after that, I'll be able to finish it up.
I'm going to a wedding tomorrow. Not sure how I feel about it, but whatever. Whatever way it makes me feel, I'll be fine after Saturday night.
I can't wait to get out of this shit-ass town. My people are a microcosm within it, and they are the only thing that make it ok. Bloomington is too nice a place to be filled with all of the shitty people who aren't my friends, or those who have been excised as my friends. I wish there was a monkey testing facility around here, so that the crazy hippies could release rage on the city of Bloomington, like in 28 Days Later. Of course, my friends and I would be surviving... I really wouldn't mind having the city of Bloomington completely devoid of everyone I hate. Of course, I'll leave it up to the crazies to kill themselves off. Unfortunately, that won't happen anytime soon.
I must have an increased confidence level lately. Maybe it is due to my telling off a now ex-non-friend. Whatever it is, the laydays are smilin' and my jokes are funny...for the most part. Summers are my pimpin' time. Lets see if I can get my mack on, and do a better job than I did last summer. [edited for realized idiocy] I mean, some people are afraid of leaving what they have, because they have nothing to fall back on. People don't realize that that is a recipe for unhappiness. But whatever...buy yourself a friggin cookbook.
It looks like my $11.11/hour 40/week job will be pretty much guaranteed. I was the first application turned in, and I don't think they'd be so selective that they'd pass [i]me[/i] up. They could put me on third shift, which has the potential for being weird, because 3rd shift is something like 10 PM-6 AM. I'm young...I can handle that. Besides, I could get up in the "morning" at 8 PM and go running...have a good "breakfast" and go to work. Then, when I get home...my friends are still asleep... I'd have to sleep during the day. That would suck, but for $11.11/hour, I'd stand on my head.
When I go home next Saturday, I want to plant a pumpkin patch. We've got 7 acres (plenty of space for LOTS of pumpkins), so I could just rototill a big space and plant a bunch. Then, in the fall, we could sell a bunch of pumpkins...that would be good. Pumpkins get expensive, and there aren't too many independent producers. Maybe I can get my brother involved in this enterprise and he can share in the college $.
I'm going to try to disconnect my computer and Playstation2 by the time of my Tuesday exam, so I get some studying and packing done. If I don't, they'll be too much of a distraction. I'll try to get another update by then. 8)
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| I feel so... |
| 04.25.04 (7:42 pm) [edit] |
Sometimes
I wish I was brave
I wish I was stronger
I wish I could feel no pain
I wish I was young
I wish I was shy
I wish I was honest
I wish I was you not I
'Cause
I feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so callused
So lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over
Let's start over
Sometimes
I wish I was smart
I wish I made cures for
How people are
I wish I had power
I wish I could lead
I wish I could change the world
For you and me
[b]Let's start over[/b]
--"I feel so"--Box Car Racer
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